Daddy Diary - Day 3: Angry Birds

From the Desk of Jase:

The next scariest place in our house, or at least the place that has sustained the most casualties, is our back patio. It's a gorgeous terrace, but it features on the northwest side a huge plate glass window.

Easier to see from this angle:

Since we've lived here, I've carted away SO many dead birds that fly smack into this window. More dead birds than poisoned rats by a factor of at least 3. This has led to many surprises, like Maisy going outside to open the shutters and discovering a dead bird which had been half-eaten by some feral cat. Here's a quote you don't want to overhear your 3 girls saying outside, "Oooh, is that its brain?" or "The ants are eating its eyes!" On the day I took this picture, it only took 2 minutes to find the latest casualty -- here are some wing feathers sticking up over the stone.

Some conversations you just don't want to have with your kids this early in life. Like explaining why the ecosystem needs mosquitoes, why we should keep up with the Kardashians, or why birds sometimes accidentally fly into windows and kill themselves. But I explained it all Mr. Rogers-style, meaning I was patient, clear, even-toned, and continually in a state of dressing and undressing. Now they understand that we simply scoop the dead birds into the back yard to show them respect. And if a cat should come by to lick the only-stunned bird back into health, well then, even peachier.

In order to help explain what happens here, I asked Maisy to get a bird to demonstrate. The only bird we could find was a stuffed chicken, which automatically makes this unrealistic because we know chickens would never be able to fly into a plate glass window. Because they are mostly flightless, a real chicken would just walk straight into it instead.

And to show the "smashing" of the bird, here's the picture from the other side of the glass.

Looks like I'm going to have to pick up the pace if we're going to get through the rest of these Halloween pics. The girls are having a ton of fun thinking up the next "spooky" shots. Hopefully you readers are enjoying your holiday season as well.

Daddy Diary - Day 2: Go Into the Light

From the Desk of Jase:

During our usual bedtime topic of thinking "happy thoughts" before bed in order to have sweet dreams, we brought up our "Go-To" Happy Place. No, no, not Lava Hot Springs in Idaho. I'm talking about Disneyland. The girls only vaguely remember Disneyland, having gone almost 2 years ago the last time, when they were 5. But I showed them pictures of the Haunted Mansion

 and we realized that--HEY! We have gates like that now. Not like this, from a distance.

Can we bring the camera in way closer and like at a weird angle to perhaps capture some cobwebs?

Oh, that's much much better, thank you kindly. Really ominous-y and pointy.

This discovery combined with our new interest in reenactments led to an interest in demonstrating to family and friends aspects of OUR CREEPY VILLA.

For example, usually our TV area is not that creepy of a location, unless like most normal people you are averse to Care Bear Movie DVDs. But how about now?

After this occurrence, I noted that Fluffy the Clown wanted to start sleeping under the bed like a weirdo.

At least the trees are still acting the same and no midget psychic ladies or preachers with bad teeth have shown up yet. We'll keep investigating...

Daddy Diary - Day 1

From the Desk of Jase:

So we recently had 3 dear houseguests come for the last week for a visit through Paris, the Riviera, and forays into Italy, which Tiff can report on separately. Since we actually do not live in Paris (blog title notwithstanding), this meant that Tiff took off for 2 days on the front end of the trip, starting on Sunday.

And really, for the rest of the week, I knew that Tiffany was going to be busy entertaining guests. The girls and I quickly hatched a plan to make the week go quickly. Knowing what I was up against (mainly the inarguably superior care of their mother), I had to be deliberate to assure my girls that I could adequately get them through a week of school, homework, dance, and piano lessons. Plus non-McDonald-ish meals and getting them to bed at a reasonable time. All while trying to get in my normal 12-hour work day.

Step 1: Ingratiation

"Kids, let's go buy some new hamster tunnels for your Zhu Zhu pets!"

Parenting tip--Zhu Zhu mechanical hamsters are better than real hamsters. If there are any hamsters reading this blog (or, more likely, being read to), well, I'm sorry. But facts are facts. Zhu Zhus simply represent a superior species--less fur, less mess, less escaping, less treats. All around positives. And the manufacturers know that they have you over a tiny barrel, which is why Zhu Zhu accessories (tunnels and stuff) cost MORE than accessories for real hamsters. So buy fake hamsters with real accessories if you're being economical these days.

This kept them busy for hours, which allowed me to move to the next stage.

Step 2: The Wonders of the Internet
Only 3 seconds of searching for hamsters brought me to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDMNHvnIxic about a hamster on a piano. Endless remixes abounded....

Step 3: Reenactment

Thusly inspired, the kids moved on to this stage with our snazzy new Casio keyboard

Day 1 closed out with me making (NOT reheating) hamburger gravy, green beans, and dessert pizza. Okay, Tiff did prepare the frosting ahead of time, but the girls whispered incredulously, "Dad, I think you make this even better than MOM!" Thanks for overlooking the burnt dessert pizza crust, girls.

Hmm..hair down and not done well by Dad. This feels like foreshadowing.

Not too shabby for Day 1. But then....I got to thinking. What other reenactments might we be able to work up? Maybe related to October and the fall season...

Oc-Toad-ber Frights

From the Desk of Jase:

It's no secret that October is one of my favorite months because I love the Halloween season, even if it's not celebrated here as much as we're used to. When I was visiting Utah for a few days during the corporate convention in September, I noted that many of the semi-vacant strip malls were filled with temporary Halloween Superstores that had sprouted up like mushrooms after a hard rain. I was only able to visit one or two in my brief time, but I was very impressed (and, frankly, envious) that there was so much cool selection compared to the crappy costumes available to kids when I was growing up.

My girls are not at all into scary things, except sometimes light practical jokes involving fake flies in icecubes. But one fun/scary prank we pulled last year was when we found a giant toad under our terrace and decided to have some fun with it. The video was never posted....until now.

The kids got a huge kick out of pranking Tiff, which is why we then decided to get to know the toad a little bit better. You can easily see that the toad is as big as my hands, but he was pretty calm throughout the whole thing. Note how Jocelyn gets it in hand, and then immediately brings it over to Maisy to tease her. This is the reason why we can't keep nice toads around the house.

Here's where we cross over and Maisy has been teased too far in proximity of the giant toad, but we did practice interspecies protection:

And so we have to recover by making the toad seem comical again, and then Maisy is happy again, but still, and very wisely so, toad-wary:

And then we dropped the toad back into the garden where he probably hopped back to his home swamp in Chernobyl. None of the kids had any lasting effects (i.e., nightmares), but they still recall the toad.

So this month I've talked it over with the girls, and we've decided that, to really get into the Halloween season this year, we are going to show you some of the spookier parts of living in France. Like if you get an ice cube in the mail with a fake fly inside it, well, then we had NOTHING to do with it.

Stay tuned...

Because I Have Been Given Much

Attending the Cannes ward has been an equally frustrating and uplifting experience. While there are many comforting similarities to our ward in Utah, there are also some vast cultural differences.  For example, I recently had two of the weirdest experiences at church.  First let me preface that, in general, the members here have all been warm, friendly, refreshingly anti-materialistic  (especially in contrast to the normal population of this area), welcoming, and normal.  And now having said that, read on . . .

The first strange experience happened just two days ago on Saturday night.  I was asked to give a presentation for a Relief Society activity (with the assistance of a translator) about how to foster a love of reading with young children.  I put quite a lot of effort into the assignment, brought many visual aids and examples, and with a lot of help from my French tutor, I wrote many headings and captions in French to organize my presentation and to keep the interest of my audience. These were all printed in large fonts, spell-checked and proofread correctly for French grammar, and prepared well in advance. And it seemed to go over well! My message was being delivered AS INTENDED. In fact, the audience even laughed when they were supposed to and nodded in agreement with many of my points.  Being it a Relief Society function, I had also taken the time to dress nicely in a dress and heels.  So I was feeling pretty confident after I finished, and I was supremely relieved since I had been really stressed for over two weeks about how I was going to pull off this assignment to a French audience. 

However, during a short break, a woman whom I have never met and only barely recognized started a conversation with my by saying  she had noticed my Calvin Klein purse.  Because my French is too poor to be able to say, “Yep, I got it for super cheap at TJ Maxx,” I just smiled and nodded. 

Then she says in broken English, “I bought a bathing suit that’s Calvin Klein from the internet.  It came from America.”

I thought, “OK. . .How nice for you?” 

She continued:  “But it didn’t fit me.  Would you maybe want to buy it?  I have it right here.” 

I thought for sure I had misunderstood, but in an instant, she pulls out this hot pink one-piece right out of her bag.  Before I could even make sense out of what was happening, she says, “I paid $120, and you can have it for only 30€.  What’s your size?  I think this will fit you.”

First of all, the suit was NOT my size—it was much too big for me, and all I could think was, “Well, I’m never wearing THIS dress again!!!”  But then, I am embarrassed to admit another side of me thought, “That actually is a really cute bathing suit.  I wonder if I could make it work.”  Then of course I slapped myself and told her no thank you.  By any account a strange encounter though, right?!?

Then the second weird experience happened maybe a month ago.  After Primary one Sunday, the nursery leader comes up to me holding this ratty, nasty-looking stuffed CLOWN of all things and says in broken English, “Sister Pierce, this clown was donated to us, but it scares most of the little children.  Do you want to take it home?  Maisy seems to really like it.”  In my mind I am thinking, “Lady, are you crazy?  Didn’t they ever release the movie ‘Poltergeist’ in this country?”  But then Maisy says, “Mommy!!  Yes, let’s take him home.  I named him ‘Fluffy the Clown,’ and I really want him!!”  I cannot stress enough in this blog post how much I did NOT want to take this germ-infested, creepy clown, that’s as big as Maisy, home with me that day.”  But apparently, I’m a pushover, because it’s been in her room for a month.

 Yes, she still loves “Fluffy the Clown.”  She sleeps with it, and plays with it, and I just have to turn away.  And sometimes breathe deeply into a paper bag. . .or sit down and put my head between my knees.  I really want to get rid of it, but Maisy told me no way.  She at least agreed for me to put Fluffy away while we have company in town who will use her room. I am really hoping she forgets about him after the company leaves.  I guess my other option is to let her watch “Poltergeist” . . .

 If it were only a little smaller, I could carry it around in my purse and try to sell it to unsuspecting people. Real cheap. And say it came from America.

The Bends

From the Desk of Jase:

When I took my certification classes for scuba diving, one test they made me perform was to screw a bolt onto a nut. Simple task, right? They timed me attaching the nut to the bolt first on the deck of the boat before jumping in, and then they also made me perform the task, timed again, at a depth of about 110 feet during a shipwreck dive. I would never have guessed it, but my time was significantly slower on the bottom. The point of the exercise was to demonstrate that--even if you think your judgment, cognitive decision-making ability, reflexes, and efficienty are exactly the same--they are not. Because of the changed environment and increased nitrogen in your bloodstream, everyone experiences small effects of nitrogen narcosis. Which is why you plan ahead, monitor your buddy, don't take unnecessary risks, and keep to the safety regulations when surfacing to avoid decompression sickness (aka "The Bends").

As we enter the second year of this international assignment, I got to thinking about all the comments from family, friends and co-workers we received over the summer holidays. One of the most recurring questions was: "How is it different?" I mean, besides the fact that it's a new country and a new language that we are still struggling with. In responding to that question, I attempted, unsuccessfully, to explain the cumulative amounts of tiny changes and adjustments that we've experienced thus far, some of which feel like they've reduced our efficiency or the pace we were used to. All of these small differences are part of the challenge, stretching, and growth opportunities that come along with any foreign rotation. You don't feel the growth anymore than you can see your kids put on inches, but I can only assume that we must be growing in some ways because we feel like we've been WAY outside of your comfort zone for such an extended period of time. On cloudier days, these tiny differences can feel like inconveniences and on stormy days I'll admit that they sometimes feel like unnecessary points of annoyance and frustration (when we just shake our heads, shrug our shoulders, and say "Vive la France"). Most of these occurred during that first year "plunge," which means that as we've started Year 2, it has gone much smoother. We just know better now. Our perspectives were widened most rapidly then (or is it that we've learned less in recent months...hopefully not).

So herein I list, a non-comprehensive list of some of the adjustments and bending, both positive and negative that our family experienced during the first year up to now. Things that we know have or are causing us to get the nut onto the bolt slower than we would normally do it back on deck.

1. Weights & Measures--like measuring the temperature in Celsius versus Fahrenheit. To date, only Tiff understands this because of her science background. This is true for all the conversions from Imperial to Metric standards--e.g., gallons to liters, miles to kilometers, pounds to kilograms, etc. If it weren't for illegal drugs, I doubt that any American kid would have a shot of knowing how much 100 grams weighs. The only measurement that I've found to be absolutely consistent in the U.S. and here is that eating 1 creme brulee still equals opening up 1 notch on my belt. That ratio is, sadly, intact.

2. Dollars to Euros.  This was to be expected, but what is interesting is how many of our French friends have commented about how switching from the French Franc to the Euro reduced their purchasing power. In fact, most receipts list both Francs and Euros, even though France has been on the Euro for over 10 years now. So when we complain that gas is about $10 a gallon, it turns out that all the locals complain about it too (or at least, how many liters they used to be able to buy with those mighty Francs).

3. From winter snow to winter rain. No complaints here. This was a welcome adjustment for a season, but leads me shortly to:

4. Unprotected necks versus wearing scarves all the time during the cold months. Yes, I'm now a fan of the scarf. And I grudgingly admit that they are cooler than turtlenecks. Plus the girls look dang cute in them, and all three know how to tie them "Euro-style" (see sample pic below of Jocelyn last November).  Yes, she's holding hands with a mannequin boy, but that's not strange or anything. . .

Jenica, Maisy, Jocelyn--December 2010

5. Media Regional Incompatibility--First, from NTSC to PAL video format. This just means that DVDs we brought from the US don't play in normal DVD players, and the ones we buy here don't play normally either. We had to buy a "multi-region" player to accommodate both. Surely this was fixed with the sweet new Blu-Ray technology, right? Nope. All digital coding is still regional-specific. Even things like the Nintendo Wii, the handheld DS consoles, and the Xbox--the games aren't compatible from region to region. Which mean that, yes, we did break down a buy a new Wii and all-new games for the kids. We never did replace the Xbox, which is all for the better since I've had no time to enjoy my usual zombie fests.

6. QWERTY keyboard to AZERTY keyboard. The QWERTY style is the most popular keyboard in the world, for English-speaking countries. In Europe, there are some variants on this. France and Belgium, in particular have adopted an AZERTY-style keyboard instead of QWERTY-style keyboard. Probably because of the frequency of those vowels, etc. The keyboard is only different by less than 10 keys, but when typing on one, my efficiency feels reduced by at least 32%. I've been able to get "imported" QWERTY-style keyboards, but my BlackBerry is still in the French style and it takes some adjustment and corrections, which is not awesome. Not qzesome on qny dqy of the zeek.

Takes longer to LMQO

7. More Power To Ya--switching from 110 voltage to 220 voltage. So, our outlets here pack enough current to run an electric dryer or recharge my phone. It also means that we've fried a few things, and we've bought our fair share of these, just to get our appliances to plug into the wall:

8. Dates and Times--from MM/DD/YYYY (Month-Day-Year) to DD/MM/YYYY format. This is one that's easier to mess up on documents and they are unforgiving about it, as if you are simply making the date up and don't really know the date of your kids' birthday's. Also, from standard time (12AM midnight to 12PM noon) to Military Time, where midnight is 0h00, and bedtime for the kids is 20h00. If this weren't confusing enough, France also observes Daylight Savings Time, but NOT at the exact same time as the United States, even though the latitude is similar to New England (so we're not THAT much further North). The daylight savings time is only 2-3 weeks different, but it's just one of those things that you have to ask--Why?

9. Right Round, Baby, Right Round--From stoplights and 4-way stop signs to roundabouts. Yes, they have roundabouts in the U.S. as well. NOT. LIKE. HERE. This is Roundabout Heaven, where nearly every intersection is connected with roundabouts, and each roundabout has a name (but nobody uses them). It's quaint, and they are sometimes landscaped well, with decorative garnishes (like a turning water wheel), but they are also a little annoying and most accidents occur there. The rumor is that the famous 10-point roundabout in Paris called Place de l'Etoile (Star Plaza) with the Arc de Triomphe at the center of it is the busiest intersection in France and that the police don't even bother investigating traffic accidents there. Another urban myth is that motor insurance companies won't cover you if you are driving around this roundabout, which is not entirely true. But it IS true that if you get into an accident with someone else, that both insurance companies generally just pay for their own policyholder and NOT the other guy.

10. "I don't need to learn French, Dad.  I already speak English and British"--Though it's true Jenica said this to me last year, and I laughed, I now realize there's some truth to viewing American English as similar, but quite different in lots of ways from European English (thanks to the UK).  We all know rubbish, dustbin, trousers, biscuits, and many others, but Tiffany was surprised when they made her use all British spelling in the English classes she teaches Wednesdays, like the American spelling is inferior or less than "correct."  She has to spell words thus: favourite, centre, colour, centimetre, litre, mum (never "mom"), and many others.  They also never say "Z."  It's "Zed."  Also "pants" means "men's underwear," and they ALL use the word "rubber" rather than "eraser."  My girls will need to unlearn that one before they come back to America. . . I'll pay to see the look on their elementary teacher's face when they tell her they "need a rubber--straight away, if you please."

11. An Inconvenient Truth--there are not a lot of what we consider "modern" consumer conveniences. They do have drive-thrus, but only at McDonald's, which they renamed as the McDrive. But no drive-thru banking, pharmacies, or podiatrists. Most grocery stores close at 7:30 or 8:00 (that's 19h30 or 20h00...), and DO NOT arrive there 5 minutes before unless you want to be leered at and murmured about like a German war veteran instead of a Dad looking for a loaf of bread, a liter of milk, and a stick of butter. Coming from the land of 24-hour Super Wal-marts and Super Targets, this one was one of the toughest adjustments. Well, that and not being able to find packaged oatmeal, macaroni and cheese, or Diet Mountain Dew (*sheds tear*). It also took us about a year to start remembering to BRING your own shopping bag into the store rather than having to buy them at the register. On the flip side, however...

12. Oven Fresh--not gonna lie, having access to fresh bakeries is incredible. This is one of those things that makes me look in the other direction and ask "How is it that the United States has been able to develop itself as a world power without offering fresh-baked breads and pastries on every corner?" It has taken some time to adjust to the French version of the croissant versus the Costco version. The ones here are just so flaky and fresh, and you sorta feel like apologizing on behalf of all your American brethren for having any part in the desecration that we call the Croissanwich. Nearly every bakery lists itself as having bread, pastries, and "Viennoisieries", which I couldn't find in the dictionary anywhere. It means --coming from Vienna. When I called my French co-workers on the wild and crazy fact that they attribute all their pastries from Vienna, they reminded me of the term "Danishes" which we use in the U.S., and which we rarely attribute to Denmark. Nice point. Touché.

13. Paper is Paper, So Why Should It Be? -- Switching from standard paper (8.5 by 11) to A4 paper. This means a new printer, new binders, new hanging folders, new filing cabinets, etc. Seemingly small change, but we're still feeling less than fully organized because of details like this.

14. Kid's Areas--there are some fantastic places to take our kids, like the Enchanted Forest, the beach, the zoo, the Cannes croisette, and the other playlands we've talked about thus far. They are actually somewhat refreshing from American standards, because I've never had to sign a waiver at any kids' playland area. Get this--they simply expect parents to watch and interact with their own freaking kids! So the lack of paid supervision at most of these places hasn't really bothered us at all. But here's a headscratcher--the McDonald's play area doubles as the smoking zone since it's outside. I have yet to get a picture on my BlackBerry of one of my kids coming down the slide with a cigarette photobombing the shot. But I will post it when I get it; we just don't eat there very often. On the whole, I think our kids have done a tremendous job bending to the new environment. And it's only on very rare occasions now that they cry about the lack of an Arby's.

15. The Cannes Ward--this topic deserves its own post. For example, there is a French-speaking family from Madagascar in our ward. I won't tell you which member of the family asked them if they owned a lemur in order to prove that they were really from Madagascar. (It was me.) So many faux pas, but we keep going to meetings, potlucks, classes, and activities. They are as surprised to see us each week as we are to be there.

16. Unexplored Territory--there are some conversions we haven't been able to make yet. Switching from McDonald's to the local QuickBurger. Giving up eggs as a breakfast food (they prefer omelettes as a lunch item). From everything I've seen, the classic French breakfast consists of a coffee, a croissant, and a cigarette. Switching to the boxed, shelf-stable milk. Eating raw ham. Viewing oysters as a Christmas food.

So if it seems like we are operating at less-than-normal capacity, we probably are. Or at least we certainly were initially, but it feels like we're through that first rough patch. This year has felt less intimidating, less disorienting, and more enjoyable. Which means that if you don't hear from us right away after you email, call, or text, it's probably not because we've adopted to the life of a paysan and we're out on the terrace feeding mosquitoes and arguing over Descartes versus Camus. Most likely, we're trying to keep our heads above water, manage the demands of the job, the homework, the extracurriculars, and the housework. Just like everyone else. But always wearing sweet, stylish scarves.