Mainly on the Plains of Ukraine

From the desk of Jase:

So a few people have asked me why I'm not commenting more on my various work trips since the relocation to Europe. Which people, you ask? Just...people (and also Canadians). You probably don't know them. Nevertheless, the point was taken and I thought I would offer to the Blog Readership some of my thoughts and musings from my most recent trip to Kiev, Ukraine.

This my first trip to the Ukraine, and I immediately could see why the Ukrainians fancy themselves closer to continental Europe than the former USSR republic states. The architecture was more decorative and less austere (i.e., nondescript Soviet gray), with many brightly-colored blue and gold-topped Russian Orthodox churches and some large Jewish synagogues.

I was only there for 3 full days, primarily meeting with lawyers, tax professionals, accountants, the warehouse staff in our Kiev office, and some Ukrainian citizens willing to help us fill a director role (it's mandated that we have a local director at first). So--not super exciting, and I can't easily explain to a tax specialist why I would like a picture with him for the blog audience.

But you always get little bits of culture if you are observant and if you prompt discussions about it in a respectful fashion.

Wrong Way: "Tell me--and please be specific--why you haven't left this frozen wasteland for a REAL country yet?"

Even More Wrong Way: "So are Ukrainians more predisposed genetically for goiters or can you just not afford iodized salt here?"

If you ask appropriate questions, however, I've found that most people LOVE to talk about their home countries, especially if you don't make any comparisons to other countries until you find out which countries THEY look down on, and then it's fair game (looking squarely at you, Uzbekistan). Here's a joke they shared:

An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the gov't office to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
"Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."

And in the evenings, we tried out some traditional Ukrainian fare. Here are some photos from a restaurant called Spotykach, that inevitably sounds better when written in Cyrillic or pronounced by a native Ukrainian.

The first thing you notice when arriving to the restaurant is a FREE appetizer! Awesome, right? Like a Bloomin' Onion or some hot wings? Almost awesome (much like Jessica Simpson has "almost" won the Nobel Prize). Actually, what they offer instead, is a winning combination of Salo (pork back fat) on toast and vodka with horseradish.

Fat on Toast - not just a great name for a band anymore.

My colleague declined to try the Salo on toast, but I had to give it a sample. First impression--yes indeedy, that's certainly pork back fat. Possibly high-quality fat, but definitely not of the low-fat variety. Also, it leaves a nice fatty sheen inside your entire mouth for at least 2 days afterward, as if you licked the inside of a Crisco tub. As a blog tip note, please DO NOT enter the term "back fat" into your search engine with the SafeSearch turned off. Some things can't be unseen, no matter how much Lysol you spray directly onto your eyeballs.

The ambience of the restaurant can only be described as: "Grandma's Parlor-esque".

No need to bring your own tea doilies here. They've got you covered.

We asked for a copy of the English menu, which I found utterly delightful both for its variety as well as its English translations. I have been a long admirer of the website http://www.engrish.com/, which allows contributors to submit almost-right translations they notice in their travels. Although the website features some amazing menus (http://www.engrish.com/category/menus/), this one at Spottykach was the best one I've seen in real life.

First, they educate you:

And then you are presented with many options, most of which create more questions for the guest.
 

Waiter, can I also request ketchup for the cold boiled tongue?

I'm thinking about the fish, but how crucial is it today? Oh, I see.

And what would you consider the best overall "snack" for vodka? Uh huh.

Vodka is a point of constant discussion for Russians (especially when you work for a beverage company). And they all have opinions and stories about it. I actually heard this one too.

Doctor to patient: "This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression."Patient: "Thank you very much, Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?"

What if I'm looking for a non-specific grouping of meat varieties? Do you offer, say, a random hodgepodge? Great.



Do I really want to ask what the term "spissated milk" is referring to, or whether this person "Mam" is supplying it?



In the end, after reviewing every single option on the menu, I went with pretty tame choices. Some caviar in crepes, some mystery meat & potato Russian dumplings with sour cream, and the never-fails-to-disappoint Beef Stroganoff.



Finally, on the way back to the hotel we walked by one of the big shopping centers in Kiev. A certain organic products store had this giant window treatment encouraging consumers to think Green.

I'm not the biggest proponent of the environmentalism movement, but for some reason, this consumer message has stayed with me.

Other notes from my trip:

1. Apparently jokes about Cherynobyl are still off-limits. The half-life on the radioactive Cesium there is 300 years, so I'll check for an update on this topic in about 175 years.

2. Fur coats don't just look fashionable in the Ukraine; they are a necessity. It's freakin' freezing there, and I even saw some river otters wearing scarves of fox pelts.

3. Probably related to #2, there are not any homeless people on the streets of Kiev.

4. There is a small black market for mushrooms, berries, or wild game (like the delicious five-legged deer) from highly contaminated areas near Chernobyl. Most people buy the items either on a dare to be "cuh-razy", because of suicidal tendencies and irresponsible behavior or to give to others (their boss, their mother-in-law, etc.).

5. February is not Black History month in the Ukraine.

6. Icefishing on the frozen Dnieper river that bisects Kiev--perfect for people who love fish and hemorrhoids, but hate warmth and the company of others.

7. I visited a Ukrainian art gallery for the artist Igor Gubsky (http://igorgubskiy.com/eng/biography), whose works resembled the Dutch Masters in color tones. Many less-than-flattering portraits of interesting individuals, some landscapes, and of course (the prerogative of any "artiste"), the tasteful nudes.

Hope this gives you a window into my mind as I travel to new places. I try to keep my camera nearby when something strikes my fancy and I always keep an open mind and an open stomach. And I have the pork fat breath to prove it.